More women are dating younger men, I asked some daters why

Dr Caroline West is a sex educator and host of the Glow West podcast, which focuses on sex, sexuality, and the body. Here, she writes about what recent film release Babygirl tells us about age gap relationships, particularly between older women and younger men.

Mariah spent her 20s and 30s in a long-term relationship. When she found herself single in her 40s, she says she "wanted to have fun and let my hair down". However, most men her age were at different stages: "[they] either wanted a serious relationship or had kids and responsibilities."

Dating younger men was an eye-opener for her: "Funnily enough, I didn't think I would date men in their twenties, but I gave it a chance and I've found it to be very liberating. I feel like I'm having the best sex of my life, and I think in my younger days I was definitely more insecure about my body and speaking up for myself."

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With the recent release of the film Babygirl with Nicole Kidman, in which she plays a high-achieving CEO who begins an affair with a much younger male intern, conversations have reignited about the rise of age gap relationships, particularly with older women and younger men.

But why is this relationship dynamic one that appears to have flourished recently?

Many women in their 30s, 40s and beyond on dating apps in Ireland are reporting that they get a lot of matches from men in their 20s. Research carried out by dating app Bumble found that for two in three (63%) people, age is not a defining factor when dating, with more than half (59%) of women saying they are now more open to dating someone younger than them.

Men in their 20s are more likely to have attended consent classes or be exposed to consent culture, and Gen Z have appeared to be more open about going to therapy, expressing their needs, feel comfortable with being vulnerable, and have embraced the concept of emotional intelligence.

While looks are a factor, emotional intelligence seems to be the magic ingredient for a successful relationship for many of us, whether that relationship is short or long term.

Critics of age gap relationships often point to the challenge of one partner aging faster than the other, or the issue of children being a possibility or not, as reasons for why age gap relationships don't work. But not all relationships have to produce children, or have to result in marriage, and those concerns apply to other relationships without an age gap.

Thankfully, we don't have to stick to the idea of what other people think a relationship 'should’ look like anymore.

While each relationship will be different and generalisations aren't possible when it comes to matters of age, there are reported benefits to some age gap relationships. Research from sex educator Justin Lehmiller found that older women in relationships with younger men are the most satisfied of all people in age-gap couples.

For Mariah (who asked to be referred to using a pseudonym), this was certainly the case: "I didn't really have a lot of mutual pleasure in my previous encounters but now I have younger men making me orgasm all night. They seem to really value that I know what I want."

This could be an interesting aspect to explore when we look at the orgasm gap, with Professor Laurie Mintz finding that in heterosexual relationships, 95 percent of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to 65 percent of heterosexual women, who were the least likely. Queer couples of all genders had a lot more orgasm equality.

Does age matter here, just like sexuality matters? It would certainly be fascinating to update this research by looking at sexual equality in age gap relationships/interactions.

For Tom, in his mid 20s, dating older women presents "a completely different type of experience from one with a woman of my own age".

"First of all, the emotional maturity that comes with older women is a big positive. They’ve had enough time to learn about themselves and exactly what they want and where their boundaries are, and they are usually direct and clear about this which leads to a much calmer and more enjoyable relationship."

He adds that an "older woman usually has more experience and confidence which can lead to them being the ones to take the lead or ‘shoot their shot’ in a way younger women often do not, which can be refreshing for a man in a world of relationships where usually we are the ones expected to take charge, initiate things, and know what we are doing at all times’’.

This pressure to be the initiator is propped up by long standing gendered social norms that promote the idea that men ‘should’ be the ones to ask women out, to initiate sex, or propose. It can lead to men feeling unable to be anything other than confident and knowledgeable. But men get the same sex education women do - which is to say, a poor outline of the world of adult relationships and what sex really looks like as a consenting adult.

Instead, they can be targeted by certain male ‘influencers’ who promote toxic masculinity, ideas about ‘alpha’ males and tips on tricking/manipulating women into sex. Those who reject this limited framing of men can struggle to find healthy information about sex and guidance about honing their own sense of masculinity. Many turn to porn, which in turn props up those toxic ideals about the role of a man and woman in sexual activity.

Thankfully, we are in an era where those norms are challenged and discarded in favour of more diverse ways to explore our sexuality. It’s great that we are starting to place more importance on how peoples’ values align when it comes to dating someone older or younger, more so than the age difference itself.

Of course, the same criteria for healthy relationships applies to those with or without an age gap. Power dynamics can exist in a number of ways, shaped by age, life experience, emotional maturity, vulnerability, resources, and so on.

There are those who will deliberately seek out younger partners in order to take advantage of their lack of experience and still-developing brains. Learning to recognise harmful behaviours is crucial in any relationship. Websites such as Too Into You can help you explore if your relationship feels right or safe.

People have differing levels of maturity, and so it’s very possible for people to find a genuine connection with someone a generation above or below. The unique perspectives and expectations each partner brings to the table which can be exactly what helps meaningful connection and compatibility. When it comes to a healthy relationship, age matters less than respect, fun, and kindness.